To the Person Who Tries to Fix Other People
Why your mental health is struggling because of other people’s happiness.
The signs are there. Red flags are waving at you from all directions. You choose to ignore them because you believe you can fix them. You believe they can change for you. You can make them happy. You can mold them into what you think is best.
This is all wrong.
“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals.” ~Pema Chodron.
Many people have made the mistake of entering a relationship with someone they believe they can fix. Whether that person was hurt in a past relationship. Or they have a drinking problem. Or worse, a cheating problem. Immediately, you have this desire to fix them. To set them on the right path towards success with you by their side. This desire to fix people can come from a natural caregiver feeling inside you. You enjoy being there for others. This desire to fix people can come from your wish to not be lonely in a relationship, to make that person better for you so they will stay.
Helping other people can become addictive. It can begin to feel like the only way to show your love is to prostrate yourself at the needs of others.
Oh, you’re hurting? Lemme swoop in and save the day.
Oh, you’re broke? Lemme dump my savings into your bank account and all will be well.
Oh, you’re single again? Lemme set you up with my neighbor’s son.
Whatever your ailment, I’ve got a fix for you!
And the gratitude from the people we’re supposedly ‘fixing’ tends to flow so steadily that we become convinced of the healthiness of our stance. We’re confident that healing every sore spot we see is not only natural and enjoyable, but it’s the main reason we were put on this planet.
When you continue to fix other people, it can easily become a destructive self-identity.
You begin to think in every situation, how can I bring value to that person? You wake up every day thinking about how to fix other people. It becomes a part of your daily routine to buy that extra meal for you partner so they show love to you. To ignore your needs for the needs of others. This is where your mental health suffers.
Because, in this unhealthy version of caregiving, our understanding of love has become warped. Love now looks like a relentless string of sacrifice.
Your thoughts might go something like this:
If I don’t love her with my constant presence, she will feel sad and lonely.
If I don’t love him with my attentive eye observing everything, he’ll get sick again, or maybe even die.
If I don’t love them with my efficiencies managing everything, someone will get hurt. Things will go very wrong if I’m not here to take care of them all.
Sometimes, love calls on us to invest our energy and time in tending to someone else’s pain. But not 100 percent of the time. And not with the nurturing going down a one-way street, pouring out of the same person, over and over again. If you see this pattern in any of your relationships, consider what it would take to expand your definition of what it means to nurture, to love, to care for.
In order to care and love for someone else in a healthy way, your needs and mental health need to come first.
Self-nourishment might look like hiring a babysitter so you can have a romantic getaway with your hubby. Self-care might mean taking the job on the other side of the country, even though it means you’ll only see your parents twice a year. Self-love might be quietly soaking in a bubble bath instead of probing everyone for a detailed account of their day.
You are not responsible for the worlds pain.
It is okay to generously give of yourself.
It is okay, and encouraged to share your talents and share your love. However, be aware of who you share it with. And how you share it. Acknowledge that maybe that person is taking advantage of you. Recognize that maybe you cannot fix everyone, and that’s okay. Do not let your self-identity be chalked up as, “the person who fixes everyone.”
Rather let your self-identity be, “the person who is kind enough to help others, but helps themselves too.”
